I hear this statement far too often. Some couples and individuals believe that they just must try harder and their sexual and relationship problems will magically disappear. This is typically naïve thinking.

I sometimes get calls or email from those who decided not to see me. These communications lament their decision to avoid therapy, and some come in, and others tell me their relationship ended. I work with these couples and with individuals left behind by a break up. Some of these people could have been helped, but they did not want to spend money or take time to do so.

I wonder why some of these couples call me to begin with. They clearly are in distress, but what sometimes happens is half the couple insists they can mend their ways and they don not need help. There is a lot of muddy thinking going on.

Going to a sex therapist and a couples counselor makes sense if people are having sexual and relationship issues. This would be an investment in a marriage or other intimate relationship. The same people who do not come in often spend money on buying things instead of fixing their relationship. This makes no sense. If they value their relationship, they would seek and get therapy.

Helping people is why I do my work. Sure, I make a good living doing my work, but I enjoy saving and improving marriages. It saddens me when I hear one or both in a couple conclude that they do not want to spend the money to fix their problems. Is a fancy dinner or an expensive car more important than investing in a relationship?

Some relationships are mismatches, but most can be improved. There should be a balance between work and children and a healthy marriage. When there is no or little sex and when a couple do little to nothing together, this is a problem that sometimes results in divorce. A balanced life includes dating, making love and focusing on the primary relationship.

Since there is very little emphasis on education about sex and relationships, it is not surprising that so many marriages and relationships fail. Usually things are getting worse and worse, and yet some lack of common sense and rational thinking holds these undecided couples back. This is frustrating to me because I could have helped some of those who lag behind and hide behind irrational thinking and behavior.

My homework and suggestions help clients see that there is another way to think, feel and behave. Trying harder is not a total answer to relationship pain. If couples or individuals were going to solve sexual and other issues alone, they would have done so. Why not give therapy a fair chance?

Finally, if people decide to get help for their sexual and related relationship woes, they need to seek a qualified professional with a license and with appropriate certifications such as being a certified sex therapist with experience and a thorough website and good reviews. Just because Psychology Today proclaims a therapist to be approved is not an indicator that the therapist is indeed qualified.

I encourage people to compare credentials and experience and reviews. Only then they can make an educated choice of a skilled and reliable therapist.

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