Being sexual with your partner is the main conduit to express and receive love. Without sex, a couple cannot be as close emotionally. Marriage is a sexual relationship.

People often fail to set priorities with their lover. They overwork and underplay. They claim they have no choice. None of this is accurate.

When people are older, they often wish they had played more, rather than worked most of their lives. We cannot change the past, but we can make more healthy and more pleasurable sexual choices in the present and future. We can discuss our use of time and energy with our lover, and we can make more realistic and pleasurable choices.

woman kissing a manFailing to set sexual priorities is illustrated by those who do not seek help from an AASECT certified sex therapist and couples counselor. Failure is also shown by those who begin but do not complete therapy. Failure is sometimes accompanied by an overemphasis on spending money on cars and boats rather than investing in what used to be an intimate relationship.

The same can be said for many single people. Singles are envisioned by some to have frequent and varied sex lives, but this is not always true. Like their married counterparts, many singles are caught up in the work ethic. They are tired from work, and they fail to take care of their health—including their sexual health.

Those who are satisfied with their sex lives make exercise a frequent habit, and they sleep and eat well. They do not drink too much, and they laugh a lot. They understand the importance of a balanced life. It is not balanced to overwork and play down sexual and emotional satisfaction.

Those who have frequent orgasms alone and with others are happier and healthier. They are better at work, and they look forward to each day. They are less stressed, and they are more fun to be around. How can this be anything but good for us?

I see couples who have not consummated their marriage, or who have not had sex in years. None of them are happy. They know they are missing out on one of life’s greatest joys. Although it is difficult to restart after years without lovemaking, this goal may be accomplished as long as the couple follows through on my homework and home play.

Mismatched desire is often a culprit. One half of the couple may have no desire for her or his partner, or they may fail to practice mindfulness and basic health habits so they can be more sexual. Sometimes prescription drugs interfere with desire and orgasm. We live in an over-medicated society. The drug companies love it, but we suffer sexually and in other ways.

As a cognitive behavioral therapist, I work with distorted thoughts and I make specific suggestions to change thoughts and behaviors. This usually works as long as the couple or individual are truly motivated to solve the problem.

It is a problem when there is little or no sex. It is a choice to fix the problem, or to continue a boring, unhealthy and superficial life. Once again, many do not believe they have choices. They are wrong. We all have choices. I advocate making more playful and humorous choices. I know we would be a more sexually healthy society if we believed in and acted on all of this. It is time to restart and fine-tune our balky sexual engines! No more spinning our wheels in the sand!